The mental hospital

When we got to the hospital everyone was really friendly. I was with a lot of kids my age who had MAJOR issues. I was given a room with a roommate and that was the first time I had to share a room with a stranger.  I cried myself to sleep that night and was so angry that I was put in a prison when it was my mom who was the crazy one, why was I getting punished.  I never felt so alone in my life and felt like I was abandoned.  Even though I was mad at my mom I also missed her and would cry for her every night.  At the hospital we would have to do group counseling sessions together with all the kids on our floor. I remember being there BORED OUT OF MY MIND (probably like you are reading this blog) and wondering why I had to be there. People were crying and telling us story's of there awful life. I never had anything to say. They would go around in a circle and ask us all to share there feelings. I never would say anything. One day while staring at the ceiling and finding designs on the dotted ceiling I was called out!  They finally called on me and said that I HAD to share something. So I had to make something up?  The girl that just finished bawling her eyes out about being physically abused just finished so I thought this would be a good topic??? So I told them of a time when my dad hit me and threw me in the bath tub and I hit my head. This was not a lie but it wasn't the truth. I had a step dad who did that to me, it wasn't my real dad. This was the only thing I could come up with.  I didn't have bad life like these other kids did, I was only there because my mom was a idiot and wanted to be with her boyfriend and not me.  So I was forced into making something up.  Well the next week my dad shows up to visit me, which never happened.  My dad didn't look happy in fact he was pretty mad, he said to me why did you tell them I beat you? He was called by the social worker on abusing me after the group counseling session. He came in and we had to "talk about it", I confessed it wasn't my real dad and told them it was my moms boyfriend "step dad". My dad was so mad at me for saying it was him. I wouldn't blame him, but I got my punishment for that, they made me sit in a corner for 60 minutes for lying. It was the LONGEST 60 minutes of my life.  That was the only visit I got from my dad.

I remember the staff making me take pills. I didn't want to take there pills. My mom took pills and she was crazy, not me. So I would use the excuse that I couldn't swallow the pill, so they would let me put it in my yogurt. So I would put it in the bottom of my yogurt and then only eat the top portion of it and throw it away or down the drain when they were not paying attention, I even remember giving my yogurt away to some kid (ha ha ha). I did not want to take pills, I was not crazy or depressed, I was 7 yrs old going through crap.

Well I had my fun while I was there. One night I couldn't sleep, so I played a little prank on my roommate. It was dark and she was across the room in her bed trying to sleep. Well I started to say her name really quite, "sherry", "sherry" I would say in a whisper. she would say what? becky what do you want? I then acted asleep faking some snoring. then after a few minutes i started again, "sherry, sherry" she said becky is that you? becky wake up I keep hearing my name. But I acted asleep, hee hee.... so then I did it again, and she was FREAKED out! she yelled so loud that  the staff had to come in our room, as they worked to calm her down, they were trying to wake me up and make sure it wasn't me teasing her. I didnt know what to do? I didnt want to be in trouble and have to sit in the corner again, they were pretty mean on there punishments (another story to follow up on more punishments). So I acted asleep. Well the next day in group counseling my roommate sherry, told the story and was crying about it. She really thought she heard voices. Well I didnt say a thing. They probably medicated her more. Poor girl. I am sorry sherry. I hope she is not crazy because of me. Maybe I should put myself in time out for an hour to make up for it. You have to admit it was pretty funny!

So one day in counseling I had to talk about what i was scared of, BAD MISTAKE! I told them that I was scared of the dark. So they decided to work on that with me, by punishing me with my own fear. They took me out of sherrys room and made me sleep by myself in a dark room with no windows, no night light and the door had to be shut, oh ya not to forget to mention they even took away my stuff animals that I slept with. This was how they "helped" me face my fear of darkness???? WHAT THE HECK? This freaked me out!!! I remember to this day crying in bed wishing I had my stuff animals and my mom. I didnt sleep a wink that night, i was so scared i prayed the whole night that satan would not get me. I was scared of satan and the dark ghosts that were on the movie ghost with patrick swayze. My mom also had a friend who was a fortune teller and they would talk to the dead and talk about spirits and it always scared me so to make my point I was really scared of bad spirits coming and taking over me while I was in the dark. This did not help my fear it fed my fear. I had to do this for a week straight. I then realized that if I lied and said i wasnt scared of the dark then they wouldnt punish me anymore. So i lied, i said I wasnt scared of the dark and then they started letting me sleep with my door open and with stuff animals. The bonus was I got my own room! ha, in your face!

There were really interesting people there. I will not forget them and there major issues. I do remember people would come and visit them on visitor days and i was always alone. i never had visitors. I wished my mom would come visit me while I was there, but she was too busy with what ever she had going on in her life, she dated a truck driver and i think she was always on truck with him. Maybe i should of made up more lies so my dad would come visit more? jk
I hated being alone. I hated being there. I remember the Mormon missionary's coming to visit and giving me discussions there. That was nice to see them but I still missed seeing my mom. My grandparents lived a mile away from the hospital and NEVER came to visit me.

I dont remember how long I was there for, but after a while the staff really loved me. I think thats why they let me throw my medicated yogurt away. i think I was only there for 3 months.

When I got released I moved back with my mom who was still drinking a lot and leaving me. So one night it was easter morning when i woke up alone at 2 am, I called the bar and asked for my mom. they said she wasnt there but she just lied and told them to say that to me. So I remember hanging up and started to cry then I noticed my mom had hid easter eggs and a basket for me.  So I collected my easter eggs and dress and then I called my sister who was married and lived a few towns over to come and get me and I moved in with her that night. She rescued me. My mom called my sister later that day to ask where I was?  My sister was so mad that it had taken a day before my mom realized I moved out.  I lived with my sister and her husband for a while and my mom did sober up. she quit cold turkey. I am really proud of her for doing that, but she couldn't quit her drunken 24 hours all the time boyfriend cold turkey.

We became homeless at this time. I was 8 yrs old and my mom and I was homeless. We got kicked out of our house and she didn't have a job. I remember going to a women's shelter and staying and getting clothes from them. They tried to give me a coat but it was summer time? didn't quite get that, but I was told to take it anyway. Finally we got accepted on to some state poor housing and we moved into the GHETTO, yes it really was the ghetto of utah. we got a studio apartment and we had to share the bed. i couldn't get over the fact that it was one room for everything? You could see everything, yes that includes the toilet. It was furnished with one queen bed and a couch. It had a small stove and a small fridge. It was disgusting. I ended up getting Mono and had to be hospitalized for a month.
While we were in the apartment living "housing" there was a family that had 6 kids and they lived in a one bedroom apartment. My mom became friends with them and she helped them find a job and a bigger apartment in pleasant grove utah. My mom gave them all the money we had from child support payments and they moved into a bigger nicer place. I was so mad because I didnt understand why they moved and we didnt? she said they needed it more.

The apartment was really to small. My mom's loser drunken boyfriend would come over at night after I was asleep and they would move me to the couch so he could sleep over (well I wouldnt call it a sleep over). One night I couldnt handle it, so i jumped up off the couch and yelled at them, then ran away. i ran to the neighbors apartment and asked him if i could stay at his house for the night. I remember sleeping on the ground on his floor, come to find out he molested my sister when she was younger. How could my mom be okay with me staying at his house, couldnt she just kick her stupid boyfriend out? 

We did eventually leave the housing and for some reason when we left my mom was freaked out and made me help her stuff the bed like we were sleeping there and left a light on so we looked like we were there and then we left in the middle of the night.  I am not sure what this was about?  We then drove to a run down motel which was even dirtier then the apartment and slept there for the night, it was pretty sketchy.  We had to be out by 10 am and we had no place to go so we just sat out on the corner of the walk way until my mom could find someone to give her money.  I remember my mom leaving to go find a phone to make calls for help and I remember feeling so lost and bored just sitting there it took FOREVER and eventually we did have to leave.